Reviews @ PXDCO

As we start this week’s episode of Desperate Housewives, young musicians arrive at the White Horse Bar’s Battle o’ the Bands.  But it’s not all skinny jeans-wearing twentysomething hipsters: there’s also a group of middle-aged men in (matching – snerk!) T-shirts.  Carlos, Dave, Mike, Tom, and Orson, AKA “Blue Odyssey” are nervous, particularly since they’re old enough to be the opening band’s dads.  Dave’s the only one who’s chill, telling his compatriots that “It’ll be a night to remember.”  And oh, yes… truer words were never spoken.  As the boys kick off their rendition of “Mustang Sally,” smoke starts pouring out of a grate in the wall.  Edie, rocking out with the other groupies wifeys in the audience, screams, “Fire!”  Everyone makes a rush for the exits, only to find that the emergency door is padlocked.  The next morning, as news of the tragedy spreads, the word “arson” is tossed around.  And somebody is taken into custody. 

The day before the nightclub fire, Julie Meyer arrives home with a new boyfriend.  Susan peeks out the window and decides she likes the strapping young man’s minty-fresh smile and wavy ken-doll hair.  And then she realizes that the boy she’s admiring is, in fact, the cabbie.  Julie’s real boyf?  Yeah… he’s a stringy, wrinkly… forty year old.  Named Lloyd.  Har!  Meanwhile, Gaby arrives home to find Carlos sitting with Mrs. Hildebrandt in the living room.  Gaby and I both thought we’d done away with Mme. McCrazypants last week.  Especially after she got Carlos fired!  But Mrs. Hildebrandt chirps that all families have their squabbles!  It was a misunderstanding, and she got Carlos re-hired.  Gaby’s all, “Leave before there’s a misunderstanding between my foot and your ass,” but  Carlos hurriedly escorts her into the kitchen.  Get this!  Mrs. Hildebrandt made the Solis family the sole heirs of her fortune. Next thing you know, Gaby’s rushing back out into the living room, arms extended.  “Why can’t I stay mad at you?” she gushes to Mrs. H.   

Sandra Birch, a reporter from the New York Dispatch, is coming to interview Bree about her cookbook.  Dude.  Enough with the frakkin’ pre-cookbook hype, already!  We’re eight episodes in… just release the damned thing and be done with it!  Anyhoo, Sandra apparently enjoys digging up dirt on the people she’s assigned to review, so Bree resolves to be even more picture perfect and kiss-uppy than usual.  She shows the cynical reporter her shiny house and argyle-clad, paper-reading husband.  She even claims not to have a housekeeper, since she loves dusting soooo much.  Sandra insists that she wants to see a typical day – nobody can be this perfect all the time.  Bree’s response:  “Sure they can, if they read my book!”  Just then, the phone rings and Bree lets the machine pick up.  Guess what?  It’s Orson’s parole officer.  Hee!  “So, Mr. Hodge,” says Sandra with a gleam in her eye.  “You’ve been to prison.”  Andrew, figuring the cat is already out of the bag, asks, “Now can I be gay?” 

Over at the Scavo House, non-evil twin Preston totally narks on his brother for knocking up Ann Robinson Schilling and planning to run away with her.  Lynette’s shell-shocked, of course.  Although with her track record, I’m not sure why.  After gratefully hugging Preston, Lynette heads purposefully out the door.  Meanwhile, we find out that the owner of the White Horse Bar is none other than Ann Schilling’s husband, Warren.  He chats with a sweatily nervous Tom while the guys prepare for their big night.  Dave is equally sweaty because he’s getting calls from his shrink, Dr. Heller.  Little does he know that Dr. Heller’s already arrived in town, and is asking for directions to Wisteria Lane.

Lynette heads over to talk to the mother of her grandchild, and simply typing that phrase makes me want to barf.  Lynette walks right in the front door of Ann’s house, and asks her if she’s pregnant.  Ann admits that she is, and that she and Porter, like, totally luv each other and junk!  She’s glad she’s having his baby!  And… guess who’s lurking around the corner?  Ann’s husband Warren, who overheard everything.  Ann turns approximately the color of a sheet as Warren asks Lynette to leave so that he can punch talk to his wife. “Don’t go,” Ann pleads, but Lynette does.  I can just hear her thoughts right now: “beeyotch deserves what happens to her.”  But when Lynette gets outside, her conscious won’t let her drive off.  She hightails it back into the kitchen… and finds Warren literally kicking the crap out of Ann.  Like, she’s lying on the floor, and he’s kicking her.  Whoa.  Lynette was only out of the house ten seconds.  Lynette grabs a candlestick and throws it at Warren, and threatens to call the police.  When he takes a step toward her, she sasses, “Just so you know… I hit back.”  Yes!!  Warren walks out, telling Ann that she doesn’t live in his house anymore.  Lynette runs over to Ann, and though she’s bloody and only semi-conscious, she thanks Lynette for coming back. Let me tell ya; this beatdown scene was visceral and scary as hell, and I’m certain that if Lynette hadn’t come back, Warren would have killed Ann.  

Julie tells the story of her “romantic” first kiss with her ancient boyfriend Lloyd, who looks like death warmed over and BTW, used to be her college professor.  Gross, Julie.  I am very disillusioned.  I thought you were smarter than that. To his credit, Lloyd senses that Susan’s freaked out, but he doesn’t help things by talking about his three previous marriages.  When Julie steps away, he tells Susan that he takes his commitment to her very seriously.  In fact… he has an engagement ring in his pocket!  Susan looks like she’s about to pop an aneurysm.  To say that she is not happy about this development would be the understatement of the millennium.  The cherry on top is when Lloyd says, “Promise you won’t say anything… mom!”  HAR!  Meanwhile, catty reporter Sandra is digging up dirt on Bree from equally catty gayboy neighbors Bob and Lee (way to tear down GLBT stereotypes, there, DH).  Sandra is even going to come to the concert tonight, because she (and I quote) “Wants to hear Orson sing harmony with the guy he tried to kill.”  Hey, good point!  Orson and Mike are in the band together. 

We’re gearing up for the big night.  As Gaby heads for the club, she encounters meddle-y Mrs. Hildebrandt’s limo.  Y'know, for a rich old lady, this broad sure doesn’t know how to dress.  She looks like she did a swan dive into the Goodwill Bins and came out wearing whatever happened to get stuck in her wrinkles.  Anyhoo, as is to be expected, Mrs. Hildebrandt has invited herself along to Carlos’ gig.  She overpowers Gaby’s protests and finagles her into riding along in the limo.  Meanwhile, Lynette meets Porter at the hospital, where a banged-up Ann is asleep but okay.  When Porter sees his Lovah in intensive care, he gets a determined expression that neither Lynette nor I are big fans of.  Over Lynette’s protests, he runs off.  Over on Wisteria Lane, Dr. Heller arrives, and is immediately handed a flier for tonight’s club show by Edie.  The good doc is soon en route, as well.  

Susan can hardly stand to watch Julie dance with Lloyd at the club. She may even be developing a nervous tic as Lloyd requests the song “Julie” on the jukebox.   She comes bopping over, dancing a little bit like Elaine on Seinfeld (read: badly) and “cuts in” to dance with her daughter.  Julie’s all, “Hey mom what the eff?”  Jackson comes over to escort Susan away, and she desperately calls over her shoulder, “No matter what he asks you, don’t say yes!”  Now Julie’s just confused.  She can’t believe Lloyd was going to propose – they’ve only been dating three months!  And what’s more… she’s never getting married.  Ever!  Now Susan’s the one who’s confused.  She and Julie chat outside, and Julie says she believes marriage is a joke.  She’s not cynical, just realistic – Susan’s had two bad experiences, and Julie wants to protect herself.  Susan thinks that a wall around your heart ain’t good for protecting – just pushing people away.  With Jackson, she remembers feeling hopeful and believing in happily ever after.  “I wish you felt that way too,” Susan wistfully tells her daughter.  Aw.  That’s sweet and all, Susan, but maybe you should listen to your daughter on this one.  I read that “script rewrites” have been put into place after Gale Howard’s motorcycle accident .  Jackson may not be around for as long as you’d hope.

A depressed Bree talks to Nancy Grace Sandra in the bar.  She doesn’t understand how her meatloaf-and-pot pie cookbook could justify such dirt-digging.  Sandra replies that it isn’t a cookbook; it’s a “Look How Great I Am” book.  Bree disagrees.  She has a lot of problems.  She knows a lot of women like her who are barely hanging on, and who think they’re alone.  “I want women to know there’s a chance to do something right, even if it’s just a casserole,” Bree says wistfully.  Sandra: “Uhduh why didn’t you just say so?”  Now that’s an angle she can work with!  Across the bar, a bored Gaby is still hanging with mismatched Mrs. Hildebrandt.  Who, BTW, has started in with the meddling.  Gee, that didn’t take long!  Mrs. H has gotten Gaby’s daughters into an exclusive private school an hour away.  Gaby isn’t into it; her kids like their school, and she wants them close by.   And oh… what this old biddy says in her prim “it’s all settled” voice makes me want to punch her in her beaky old nose: “I’m afraid I have to insist.”  Whereupon Gaby replies that “You don’t get to insist on anything.”  She likes money, but she’s a mom now, and she makes the decisions for her own children.  “I can take you out of my will!” blackmails Mrs. Hildebrandt.  “That’s your right as a crazy old rich lady,” Gaby retorts, stomping off.  And… that’s round II to Gaby.  I wonder why this woman has such an interest in the Solis family?  I’m thinking we’re in for round III.

Dave’s phone rings again, and he ignores it.  Until he realizes that the caller, Dr. Heller…is standing right behind him in the club.  Whoops!  A nervous Dave apologizes for hitting the “ignore” button on his phone each of the 8954678 times the doc called.  Doc Heller is not happy, to say the least.  Dave changed his name and is living in Fairview, a place he apparently said he’d never go.  Dave claims that his wife Edie wanted to move back here.  Lie #1 – one of the first things we learned about Dave was that he’d insisted they move to Wisteria Lane.  Lie #2: he claims that Edie knows his sordid past.  Dr. Heller doesn’t care – it isn’t healthy or safe for Dave to be here.  He’ll let Dave play, but the moment he finishes, Dr. Heller insists that they leave Fairview immediately.  I’m thinking Dave will do whatever it takes to keep that from happening.  Watch your back, doc.  

As Lynette arrives, anxiously looking for Porter, the whipped husband band gears up for its first public performance.  Dr. Heller stands nervously in the crowd, looking like a tweed-clad fish out of water.  His eyes find a Blue Odyssey poster on the wall… and he looks like he’s just seen a ghost.  Dr. Heller again grabs Dave and pulls him aside.  The man who killed Dave’s brother… is in his band!  Dr. Heller’s done.  He wants to speak to said bandmate immediately, or he’s calling the cops.  Dave gives in, but instead of escorting Dr. Heller over to the guys, he takes him backstage.  Uh oh.  This ain’t looking promising for the good doc.  Dr. Heller says he’s only doing it because he cares for Dave.  “I know you do, Doc,” Dave intones as he escorts Dr. Heller into a supply closet and locks the door.  “I like you, too.”  And then Dave grabs Dr. Heller by the neck and strangles him with his bare hands!  It’s a long and grisly death, and when Dave’s done, he lays Dr. Heller out on the ground and softly says “I’m sorry.”  Whoa.  That is effed up.  

The killin’ done, Dave pours liquor all over the body and the supply room, and sets a slow fuse.  At the same time, Jackson heads into the back to use the bathroom, and encounters Dave as he emerges from the supply room.  Apparently to cover his tracks and keep Jackson from narking, Dave locks the bathroom door from the outside as he goes to rejoin his bandmates.  As Blue Odyssey takes the stage, several things happen at once.  First, the slow fuse sets the supply room ablaze.  At the same time, Porter comes in the club’s emergency exit, and punches Warren in the face.  Lynette breaks up the brouhaha, hollering at Porter to go home.  As she pushes him out the door, Warren padlocks the emergency exit behind them.  Yeah, that’s up to fire code!  As the wifeys and the rest of the crowd rock out to Blue Odyssey’s original rendition of “Mustang Sally,” the fire emerges from a grate behind the stage.  “Fire!” screams Edie.  

The rush for the exit begins.  It’s total chaos, with everyone screaming, pushing, and running in every direction amidst the smoke.  Poor blind Carlos falls down, knocked half unconscious, and Orson and Tom haul him up and hustle toward the door.  As she heads for the exit, Gaby sees Mrs. Hildebrandt get knocked down, and rolls her eyes for a moment before going to the rescue.  Damn, Gaby!  You’re still in the will!  Just leave the nutty old bat!  In the bathroom, Jackson discovers the locked door, and breaks the window, bailing out.   The screaming, pushing crowd gets to the locked emergency exit, and Dave throws a chair through a window and starts helping people escape.  Panicky Susan doesn’t know that Jackson got out.  She tries to go back for him, but Mike pushes her toward the door, heading into the smoky bathroom himself.  Of course, Jackson’s not there, and Mike is quickly overcome by smoke.  He falls to the ground, unconscious.  

Sirens blare as the fire department arrives.  People are pouring out of the club, and Porter’s on the edge of the crowd… with a pistol in his hand.  What?? Where the hell did he get that?  Fortunately he has enough common sense not to use it.  Meanwhile, Jackson finds Susan, who’s now freaking out about Mike. When Dave hears that Mike’s still inside, he charges past the firemen and into the inferno of the club.  The firemen are worried that the roof will collapse… but before it does, Dave stumbles out with the unconscious Mike.  “Hang in there,” Dave whispers to Mike as he helps him onto a gurney.  “I’m not done with you yet.”  Aha!  One mystery solved… Dave’s after Mike!  

There was a fire last night in Fairview.  If you open up your morning paper, you’ll read about people who survived, and those who were injured.  You’ll also read about six people who died.  And one man who risked his life to rescue his neighbor.  What you won’t read about are the reasons for his bravery.  No one ever doubts a hero.