Reviews @ PXDCO

Peter and the boys are at the day spa. Quagmire loves the massages, saying that afterwards, you feel like Joe's legs. (I can't believe he didn't mention anything about "happy endings.") Peter was glad to have the chance to unwind as he had a stressful morning, which involved riding his skateboard into town, a la Michael J. Fox in "Back to the Future." Peter went into the room for his massage and obviously had never seen a massage table before - as he pooped in the hole where you put your face. He eventually got his massage, which was a little unusual - it was Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze recreating the famous pottery wheel scene from "Ghost" using Peter's amplee back fat at the clay. Ewww. Cleveland enjoyed the music of the "Quiet Storm" for his massage. When Marvin Gaye kicked in, Cleveland said "That's what I'm talking about." (Let's hope Cleveland brings more funny to his upcoming spin-off. Mayor West watches a man massage his suit. Alrighty then. The boys assembled in the sauna and played "Who would you sleep with if you were gay?" The choices were John Forsythe (the voice of Charlie on "Charlie's Angels") or Sean Connery. John Forsythe won by a landslide - too bad Sean Connery was in the sauna with the guys. How weird. And random.

After the day spa trip, the guys headed to the convenience store where Chris worked for coffee, alcohol and Slim Jims. Chris was concerned that one of his testicle went up in his body amd wanted his dad to take a look. Peter screamed that he was being sexually harassed and Chris' manager gave him a card entitling him to free gas for a year to avoid a lawsuit (and he's not the worst looking guy who ever came in the store either.) After Peter put gasoline in Stewie's baby bottle (because it was free), Stewie said he was more useless than Aquaman, who was little help in saving a woman from being attacked on the beach (because he couldn't get out of the water, get it?) Peter bought a Space Shuttle (cheap) to fill up with his free gas. Lois didn't want him to fly it and Peter assured her that nothing bad ever happened to Space Shuttles. He took off and returned three days later. He said it was awesome to be in space and had lots of time to pleasure himself - which made the inside of the ship look like a snow globe after a while. Again, ewww. Lois suggested they use the gas card to go on a family vacation. They decide to head off to the Grand Canyon. Stewie was pooped as he was strapped into the car (he was up all night listening to Persian radio. I didn't get that.) Peter wanted to take his tropical bird collecton along, "just in case." Peter said if he couldn't take the birds, they weren't going on vacation. Stewie only heard the second part and got out of the car (unseen) and headed back to bed. The family finally headed off. Quagmire called Peter and the two started describing drivers who were harassing them. They both decided to pull over and fight the offending drivers, who turned out to be each other. 

The next morning Stewie woke up and found himself in a house that looked "more deserted than James Gandolfni's workout room." He went into the kitchen and waited for his breakfast. He thought yelling that he was going to drink his first soda would get Lois' attention. He drank the soda and went running around and giggling for a minute and then crashed ("now I'm sad.") Peter suggested the family sing a "driving song" and they broke into a tender rendition of "The Rose" (which I always thought was more of a drunken karaoke song.) Back at the house, Stewie can't find anyone and realizes he's all alone - and can do whatever he wants. He replaces all of the instances of the word "and" in Brian's novel with the word "fart". He then finds Chris' Hustler stash, so he can finally see what a vagina looked like. he was traumatized and shot the magazine to bits with a machine gun, saying "you can't hurt anyone anymore." The family arrived in New York and visited Ground Zero, where Peter thought commemorated where "the first guy got AIDS." Brian succinctly described 9/11 and threw in a little anti-war statement in the process (you go, pooch!) Lois finally discovers that Stewie's missing. Brian thinks it's hilarious that no one noticed until right then. Peter didn't want to ruin the whole vacation. Brian suggested that Quagmire and Cleveland could look after Stewie. Back at the house, Stewie found out that diapers could not change themselves. Quagmire and Cleveland show up and Stewie shcakled them in the basement with the TV on the 24 hour on Direct TV help channel. Quagmire was feeling vaguely turned on. Cleveland asksed if there was anything that didn't turn him on and he said people who said "rubbish" instead of "garbage" didn't provoke "even a wiggle down there." Lois was getting concerned as she hadn't heard from anyone about Stewie's status, not even Joe, who was cleaning his chair and screaming "This is my wheelchair! There are many like it, but this one is mine!" ("BTTF", "Ghost", "Full Metal Jacket" - even more 80s nostalgia!) Lois insisted the family return to Quahog and Peter gets distracted with the car next to him, with DVD players showing "Operation Dumbo Sex" with Don Knotts. Peter was so distracted that he ended up in the other car - leading his (now driver-less) car to have an accident.

Back at the house, Stewie faces an empty fridge and is in worse shape than "Morbidly Obese Albert" - who lost a foot to diabetes. He knew he had to get a job and started working at McBurgertown. Since the Grifins now had no car, they were forced to buy a train ticket. Peter spent the ticket money on shower curtain rings. Lois screamed at Peter delivered John Candy's speech from the end of "Planes, Trains and Automobiles." Brian saved the day and found the family a ride home in the back of a truck. Stewie gets called into the boss' office - he was caught sneaking food and was fired. Things were getting desperate for Stewie - he was using Meg's last hat as a diaper. Fortunately, the family returned and Stewie promised that he wouldn't say or do anything bad for the rest of the evening. That's a big deal for him!