Reviews @ PXDCO

He's smiling. He's smiling!

I have to start this recap with this: I love Ray. I love Ray so much.

Sam is hunched over a typewriter (My mom had one of those!) bitching about stupid analogs while typing with two fingers. Can I say I really love my laptop right now?

He finishes his report and hurries back into the squad room where we see Chris being even more dorky than usual in a birthday hat.

Ray, pimped out like, well, a pimp, walks in declaring that all hookers get a break because it's his birthday. The hookers squee.

Then he takes a picture of his penis and hands to the hookers.

I had way too much fun typing that sentence. In fact, I watched that scene more than once and laughed harder each time.

So between Ray's photography and the cop named Sizeable Ted and the hookers, it's not so much a squad room as a starting point for porn.

And this is just in the first minute of the show.

Sam finds an oasis of sanity when he sees Annie talking to Rabbi Levy who just filed a noise and public indency complaint against the cops.

They bitch about hookers and tools, feeling all vaguely self righteous when Chris walks by and wipes his mouth with Sam's report. Realizing that they can't win, Annie and Sam join the party and dance on the table to 'American Man' by Velvet Revolver. Sam decides to wow the crowd with some totally tubular '80s moves like the Robot and the Moonwalk. First Ice, Ice Baby and now the Robot. Sam is really just a big, uncool nerd, isn't he? Sam takes it too far and falls off the table, but he's great!

Of course, since they partied like animals, the men (and Annie) of the One-Twenty-Five are completely wrecked the next morning. We're treated to the sight of a shirtless Ray and his awesomely awful boxers while Sam blearily answers the phone. The double take is pretty classic as I'm not sure I would want to see Ray shirtless either.

Sam picks up the phone that isn't connected to anything. We and Sam hear the sound of a heart monitor. Sam's mom is on the other end. She has given consent for the doctors to unplug Sam at 2 p.m. Sam tries to reach her but of course, doesn't. As he hangs over the table in frustration, Gene walks in to announce a hostage situation at Memorial hospital where some nutjob has promised to start killing people at 2 p.m. Sam immediately makes a connection between the phone call and the promised time of death and declares that no one will die today.

Credits.

The men of the One-Twenty-Five roll up to the hospital looking cool in their sunglasses. It's practically a Torchwood strut , except they're all wearing sunglasses because they're hungover. Random cop gives us exposition about the situation - blocked windows, interviewing witnesses, etc. The main witness, a rather dramatic nurse tells a cop that the gunman had the eyes of a sex manic. She gives us a little more explanation to keep the plot moving along. Turns out the gunman wants Dr. Schwahn, a nurse with surgical experience, and an EEG machine.

Gene delegates and announces that he's going to be the negotiator. Oh Lord. Sam protests, saying that he has trained guys in the hostage program for years. Gene smacks him down by pointing out that the program just started. Then he puts Ray in charge. Sam insults Ray who points out that he can hear Sam.

Sam flounces off (no, seriously, he flounces AND he's pouting) and decides to do his own thing using Chris and Annie. He tells Chris to get some remote monitoring equipment, telling him to "think outside the box," or as he has to translate, "clever." Chris says, "I can be clever" but by the look on Sam's face, he's not sure about that. Really, Chris's role is just to look pretty and be everyone's bitch.

Sam tells Annie about the phone call and his personal 2 p.m. deadline. Annie curtly points out that there are hostages in the hospital and wonders why Sam has made this crisis all about him. She actually admits she's kind of glad Ray was in charge. Until he decides to shoot someone.

Gene decides to contact the gunman via payphone and preps for some intricate hostage negotiations with a drink and then some threats. Sam is horrified. Why, I don't know. You would think by episode six he would be slightly used to his team's behaviour.

Sam and Gene discuss protocol and Gene lets Sam call the gunman who refuses to listen.

Chris comes up with a solution involving an EEG machine, but to get the camera and monitor to work he would need 12 grand.

The Macguyvering is interrupted by Annie who exposits about Dr. Schwahn. The psychosurgeon recently cured a man of his OCD handwashing via a lobotomy. The gunman signed into the hospital as Michael H. and as they talk through the logistics of figuring which Michael H. is the gunman, Gene unleashes the SWAT team. I know they're not called SWAT, but this is my recap.

Shots are fired. Sam has a moment of reflection as he and Annie duck behind a car. He decides that he's not trying hard enough and if he does, he'll get a sign to his family and maybe they won't pull the plug.

I think Gene said it best, "Get down, you idiot!"

Sam stands between the gunman and the cops. Ray threatens to shoot him while Gene says the same thing, but with gestures.

Side note, love the bad cop show dramatic music during this scene.

Sam walks into the deserted hospital at 11:17 a.m. while the radio plays "Time machine." He walks down to the psychiatric ward where he sees patients as well as a doctor trussed up facing a cage. Turns out Michael has a younger brother, Johnny, who was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Johnny went to Doctor Schwahn, who performed a bilateral Cingulotomy and now Johnny sits in a vegetative state in a wheelchair. Now Michael wants Doctor Schwahn to cure him.

Gene calls Michael and offers the EEG machine in return for the hostages. He asks to talk to Sam and proceeds to promise some extreme pain. Sam talks over him and casually gives Gene some vital information - there are 13 hostages, the sun is warming up the room as it moves through the sky and Michael is no psycho.

Translation: 13 hostages, east-facing room, psych-ward.

Sam and Michael sit and talk as Michael spoon-feeds Johnny.  Michael explains how he approached Doctor Schwahn to use new technology to fix Michael. The good doctor refused and Michael decided he just needed a little persuasion. That would be in the form of bombs strapped to Michael's chest.

Michael walks away and Sam runs over to test the strength of the lock. He's approached by a young woman named Erica, an undercover reporter for the New York Post. She was doing a piece on the mistreatment of psych patients. She gives Sam a little more background on Michael and Johnny but then - but then she starts acting a little crazy. Hmm, is she this week's Windy?

Sam is distracted by a soap opera on tv. Apart from why you would want psych ward patients to watch soap operas, we get our mandatory two minutes with Maya in case we've forgotten what she looks like. The soap opera's plot line is similar to Sam's situation aka, him being in a coma and his mom and girlfriend mourning as they decide to unplug him. Sam caresses the screen, much to the amusement of the patients, who are laughing at the plotline. Well, if anyone would know crazy…

Well, except Johnny, who stares at him with moist eyes.

Sam talks to Doctor Schwahn who confirms that 1. he can't cure Johnny and 2. yes, Erica is actually a patient. The doctor asks in all innocence if Sam knew what it was like to hear voices and presto! Sam hears the doctor talk about parallel dimensions and time travel.

Let's take a minute to absorb the symbolism, shall we? This is as subtle as the religious overtones of last week's ep . Michael comes back with a tray of surgical tools which immediatley tempts the orderly. Sam cautions him, but the lure of the scapel is too great and the orderly goes for it.

Michael shots and Sam looks down, expecting a gut shot. Nope, it's not him, but the orderly. Sam immediately begins CPR, muttering his mantra of "no one dies today." He's clubbed over the head by Michael.

He wakes up to a vision of Maya, but then is woken up by Annie's voice and a kick from Gene. They're in the hospital dressed as a nurse (complete with cap) and a tech.

Gene, Annie and Sam crowd around the orderly and Schwahn and as they help out with the surgery, the three officers discus their options - which boils down to shooting Michael in the head.

Annie also has one more surpise. She unzips the nurse's uniform, completely distracting Sam with her cleavage, just like in episode four . She pulls out a janitor's key, but Sam is still staring at her breasts.

Using the key to get out of the psych ward, Sam and Gene walk to the small waiting room Sam has passed earlier on. Instead of an unbarred window, the two men see a windowless room completely wired up with dynamite.

Annie cries out and when Gene and Sam run back into the room, they see Annie wired up with dynamite. Michael has found the guns. He gives Sam a new list of demands.

Ray refuses to give in to the demands but when he sees Annie in the window strapped down with dynamite and with a gun to her head, he immediately agrees.

Why is it that it's always the woman who gets to be the victim here? Ok, I'm off my high horse. Moving on.

Michael wants a bus to take him to the airport so he and Johnny can fly to a destination of their choice.

Sam and Annie are handcuffed to a bed. This of course is the perfect time for Sam to talk about his feelings. Annie talks about a paranoid schizophrenic, drawing parallels between her patient and Sam.

Sam tells her the story of how he met Maya, his new partner. The romance of the moment is ruined by Gene's rather accurate comment that no wonder Sam was fucked up with all that shit in his head. Well, he said it with less swearing. I'm paraphrasing.

Gene in his own non-fatherly way, tells Sam that he's no longer alone.

Scene change: The cops are now cuffed in an operating room where Schwahn readies himself for surgery on Johnny. He doesn't expect it to work, but he's buying time so they can all get out alive.

Michael wheels Johnny in and surgery begins. Sam watches as the drill whines. Sam tries to stop the surgery by telling the truth, but instead Michael beats on Sam. Schwahn tells Michael the truth - no one can help Johnny.

So instead of surgery, Michael puts hoods on all his hostages and manages to mangles a metaphor that combines both the Wizard of Oz AND Alice in Wonderland. He also switches identities with Sam by dressing Sam in his overalls and ski mask.

The cops position their snipers around the roof. The hostages shuffle out. Sam comes out with his hands up and as the cops shoot, Annie and Gene throw themselves over Sam to prevent him from being shot.

Sam runs back into the building and finds Johnny strapped with explosives. Turns out Michael had a plan after Johnny was cured. They were going to run to Canada where they would fish and watch football. I hope they mean the CFL and really, we do have an extradition treaty with the U.S. But since Johnny is more or less vegetative, that isn't going to happen. Michael has decided to kill Johnny so he won't have to live in such a state.

Sam hears a heart monitor and realizes that Johnny is the embodiment of his situation and this is the moment - the moment when someone (Johnny representing himself) could die. We see a clock, it's 1:59 p.m.

Sam flashes back to the moment he met Maya. I'm wrong, she's getting a whole lot more than two minutes. For the record, Lisa Bonet delivered that monologue really badly.

Sam hears his mother's voice saying, "he's smiling, he's smiling!" and Sam opens his eyes to see his personal imbodiment (Johnny) smiling up at Michael.

Chris, Ray and Gene run in. Michael fires his gun and Gene goes down. Sam stresses out but then Chris smells whiskey. Yes, Gene's flask gets shot. Gene's left flask gets shot. The right one is just fine and we get confirmation that 1. either Gene is an alcoholic or 2. the One-Twenty-Five can't afford bullet-proof vests when he pulls out the third flask.

Michael is arrested as he yells reassurance at his brother who is once again looking morose. The orderly is dead.

Sam is convinced he was supposed to die as well. Annie points out that he was alive and tells him to let it go.

The cops are in their bar cheering. Chris goes to call his mom aw! and Ray comes over with booze and an apology. He once again gets the best line by telling a skeptical Sam that his apology was "a spontaneous eruption of his true sentiment." Sam calls him on it and we get the Ray we know and love. He ain't that sorry and he thinks Sam's a meatball.

Gene points out that all cops have moments of crazy and that's why they're all nuts, but they keep each other sane. Now we have a bonding moment with Ray, Chris, Sam and Gene. Well, as much as they can bond.

Sam walks out of the bar and hears soap opera music. He sees the show with the mother refusing to take her son of life support.

Annie comes up and we get a spontaneous hug.

Annie goes into the bar. Sam turns back to the soap opera when he hears Maya's voice. The Maya-actress tells her comatose boyfriend that she's breaking up with him. This is worse than a Dear John letter!

Sam seems to take it in stride considering he goes back to the bar to share a significant look with Annie.

We get a cheesy soap opera-ish sign off and we left wondering, what is sanity? Who decides what is normal? I'm no expert, so I think I'm just going to get a drink.

Following in Spy's electronic footsteps , I've created a Facebook group for Life on Mars US . Come join us for chat and recaps.