Reviews @ PXDCO

Previously on Survivor: Kota made a greatest hits album and Randy's dickishness swelled to epic proportions. Oh, and three players who scoff at the idea of treating the show like a popularity contest made studly Marcus the first member of the Jury.

Night 24 finds the dwindling Kota tribe pretty impressed with Ken, and nobody's more impressed with Ken than…Ken. "I have to stand up for myself," he says. "Bob should be worried." Bob indeed interviews that he knows if there's no merge, he's "history." And then he makes a little joke about really being "science," because he's a science teacher. Get it? You're cute, Bob, but I think maybe you're starting to drop a few molecules here and there. See, that was a little science joke, too!

The Fang tribe is like something out of Lemony Snicket — they're just one unfortunate event after another. The latest? On Day 25, they're out of rice. Also? They can't get a fire started. *facepalm* That's…not good, y'all! They've still got 14 days to go! Treemail in the form of a golf flag, sling shots and an over-sized golf ball distracts them from their grumbling bellies as Corinne interviews that as long as the core of the Onion Alliance — her, Marcus and Charlie — stays intact, she doesn't care who goes home. Oh, this should be fun.

The Reward Challenge is, as expected, a golf challenge. Nice to see the producers worked hard to incorporate a traditional Gabonian sport. Is that too obtuse? How about this: the putt-putt course they built looks freakin' ridiculous against the vast, previously undisturbed landscape. No cookie for you, show. When Kota joins Fang at the challenge, and it's revealed that Marcus got voted off, the reactions are really telling: Corinne and Sugar cover their mouths with their hands in horror while Matty grins from ear to ear and winks at Ken. Charlie looks like he might actually cry. A brief discussion about whether Marcus "deserved" to leave doesn't make anyone look good. I think these folks are really starting to unravel, and I'll be honest — it's not much fun to watch.

Rather than use clubs, the tribes will use slingshots to advance a big golf ball towards designated "holes" — really low buckets of sand about six feet across. The tribe needing the fewest shots to reach the hole wins a point; two out of three wins. What are they playing for? A weekend in Vegas! Complete with complimentary cocktails, quarters for the slot machines and an all-you-can-eat midnight buffet. Okay, that's not the reward — they're going to a nearby village, where they'll be treated to a night away from camp, including a dance ceremony and a good meal. And, of course, they'll get to send someone to Exile Island. Since Fang has one more member, Corinne sits out the challenge. Maybe she can use the down time to drum up reasons why she "deserves" to stay in the game.

Matty and Bob take on the task of pulling the slingshot back and letting 'em rip, a task that ends up with them falling ass over teakettle time after time, while two other tribe members hold tension on the sling. They're trying to sling those shots over 100 yards, so it takes a fair amount of strength — so much that Susie needs Ken to brace her on the tension when it's her turn. Ken and Randy take on the precision shots closer to the hole, with Ken's superior hand-eye coordination giving Kota the early lead. Good to know all those hours playing with his joystick have paid off! The second hole plays out much like the first, with Matty and Bob setting up decent shots for Ken and Randy. This time, Ken overshoots (an occupational hazard of too much joystick play) and Matty does double duty and gets a point for Fang. The final hole is 200 yards uphill. Both tribes get in great position. Ken just misses, setting up the need for an unprecedented fourth shot for Kota. (I'm doing my best to make this exciting, y'all, but it's about as riveting as a Tiger-less PGA event) Kenny overshoots his wad again, leaving the door open for Fang to come back and win this sucker. The ball is nestled right up against the edge of the hole, so it shouldn't be that hard to drop it in, right? RIGHT?

Well, that depends on who you ask. If you ask Charlie, he'll say, "Let's communicate clearly on how we want to work together as a team to accomplish our goal. Oh, and I love you guys." If you ask Matty, he'll say, "God, people, just be quiet and let me do my job here." If you ask Randy, he'll say, "JESUS CHRIST YOU MORONS *FROTHSPITFROTH* YOU'RE GOING TO FUCK IT UP YOU STUPID SHITS." Matty finally snaps at Randy, backs away from the hole for a deep breath, then picks up the slingshot, tells Charlie and Randy what to do with it (personally, I'd probably have told them where to stick it), and calmly drops the ball into the hole. Fang wins! It's Matty's first reward EVER, but it's slightly marred by the sight of Randy literally kicking sand like a whiny child. Excuse me, I have to go gargle this slightly bitter aftertaste out of my mouth. Even after it's done, can you believe they're still fucking arguing about it? My disdain for Randy knows no bounds. Randy says he thinks Matty's going off the rails, but there's only one obnoxious asshole this season, and it sure ain't Matty.

Corinne decides, apparently on her own, to send Bob to Exile Island, in hopes that he'll find the Idol and therefore save himself. Uh, okay. Just in case Kota hadn't already decided to vote Bob off… Long story short, Bob goes to Exile, chooses "CLUE" over "COMFORT" and follows all the clues, only to find…nothing. Nada. Zip. I guess they don't put out new Idols after all, so Sugar was right to snuggle up in the Shack with her pineapples and mangoes. Huh. Kind of disappointing, frankly. In the absence of a real Idol, Bob tears a page from Ozzy's book and makes himself a Faux Idol. Remember last time? Let me refresh your memory: 

Eliza to Jason: "That's not the Idol! That's a STICK!"

Bob makes an awesome Faux Immunity Necklace using resin and little beads he found from somewhere. I'd totally believe it's the real deal. Good job, Bob!

The village reward would be a lot more fun for me to watch if 1) Randy weren't there and 2) if Corinne hadn't ruined the very, very cute picture of her walking hand-in-hand with a two-year-old who latched on to her by suggesting that she really doesn't like children, and how crazy is it that one attached itself to her? Blech. Blech. Blech. How anyone could look at that child's face and not just want to smother it with kisses and zorbets and pinch those little cheeks, I have no idea, but it tells me more about Corinne than anything else she's said or done. The good news is that they get fed, and bathed, and dressed in gorgeous traditional fabrics. Randy thinks one of the village women has the hots for him, which is gross, but I get to watch him try to shake his booty, which is good for a laugh. Matty gets into the dancing, too, saying, "I was feeling it. I just went for it." He says he allowed himself to take a break from the game and just enjoy being there. What a novel concept! Let's hope the food, the clean clothes, and the mental health break help them all get back on a better footing.

It's now Day 26 at Kota, which finds Kenny spinning his canoe in circles out in the water when his outrigger get snagged on a stump. Oh, Kenny, you doofus! It takes him an embarrassing amount of time to figure out how to get out of that little pickle. He brings home three fish, though, proud as punch to be providing for "two beautiful women." Aww! I like that his self-confidence is increasing, and anyone who can say nice things about women who haven't seen soap or a toothbrush for a month is okay in my book.

The next day, Fang returns to camp and starts talking about who they want to go home next. Randy's obviously holding a massive grudge against Crystal, because…why exactly? Crystal's worst moment, in my view, was when she spilled the rice and then went all passive-aggressive on Matty and Ace about eating, but Randy wasn't even in her tribe when that shit went down. What's his beef with her? God, he's an unpleasant person.

When the tribes join Jeff for the Immunity Challenge, he throws them a curveball (there's a slingshot golf joke in there, but I'm too tired to make it) and tells them they're going to be trying to get individual immunity because…"Drop your buffs!" Yes, finally, it's a MERGE! I think the only person happy about that is Bob, and possibly Matty. They get nice clean blue buffs. Ken and Matty hug as Ken whispers, "I missed you so much!" Matty looks both surprised and pleased about that and gives Ken another hug. Aww! And thus the bromance baton is passed from Charlie and Marcus to Ken and Matty.

The challenge is pretty straight-forward — they're making fire. An oldie, but a goodie! They're given flint and steel (in the form of a wicked-sharp knife), and fire-making supplies. The first person's fire to burn through a rope wins immunity, and therefore a one in eight chance at a million bucks! Woo hoo! It's practically over before it starts: Susie, that industrious little camp worker, gets her fire going almost immediately, followed by Sugar. Nobody else is even in it. Matty nicking his finger with the knife doesn't help — blood's not exactly an accelerant. The race stays down to Susie and Sugar, with Susie the eventual winner. Good for you, Susie! What a great way to demonstrate that survivor "skills" aren't limited to brute strength.

The tribes will be living at the Fang camp, with all the personal possessions and reward winnings brought there from the Kota camp. Randy, of course, is pissed as hell at the thought of everybody being back together. He's fixated his current bile on Crystal, saying, "There's no way I'm going back to camp with Crystal. Either she's going home or I am."

WTF, Randy? I'm wracking my brain to figure out where this degree of enmity comes from. What grievous offense am I missing? The only thing I remember is that she cried. Remember? In frustration after losing the challenge? And then she yapped about it at Tribal, saying not to take her tears for weakness? That's really about all I've got. Am I missing something?

The merged tribe is delighted to find all of Kota's supplies — rice, canned beans, coffee, canned pears. Yeah, after days of eating air, I bet all that does taste good. Soon, though, they're up to their necks in negotiating who's leaving that night. Randy's emphatic that he's voting for Crystal, and he's sure he can bring in Charlie, Corinne and Bob. Meanwhile, Crystal, Kenny, Matty and Susie are a tight little group, too, and might want to take out Randy. Sugar's the swing vote, a position she could be milking a lot more than she is. She tells Corinne that she can't stand Randy, and Corinne pastes on a concerned expression and tries to tell her they can vote Randy out anytime, but to go for Crystal this time. "I have to act like I care," Corinne says. "Sugar's weak, naïve, and gullible," she adds. "She's such a moron." Um, that moron voted out Ace, so I'd be careful if I were you, Corinne.

Meanwhile, Crystal, Ken, Matty and Susie chit chat about blindsiding Charlie. Ken calls Charlie, "The brains behind everything" and advocates for his ouster. He doesn't mean a word of it, he's just pissed that Charlie looked over his shoulder at that beachfront Reward Challenge and cheated him out of the chance to find and use a Hidden Immunity Idol. That Ken's a tricky one — he's getting quite good at the whole sleight-of-hand thing. He spins the Charlie web for Sugar, telling her that it wasn't really Marcus who ran things, it was Charlie. "I think I'm the lady of the hour," Sugar chirps. Hee!

The tribe comes up with its new name: Nobag.

That's "Gabon" backward. No, I'm not shitting you.

My Ever-Patient Mister, who hasn't had much to say this season, heard that and said, "That's just dumb." I couldn't agree with you more, dear!

So Nobag heads off to Tribal Council with two strong four-person alliances and one swing vote who doesn't trust either alliance. Marcus comes in looking downright lickable as the first member of the Jury. Randy's still griping about how he's right, right, right, but I think he's wrong, wrong, wrong. Jeff gets Randy and Crystal to air their dirty laundry in front of the group. When Crystal asks what she did to earn Randy's wrath, he snipes, "You want a list?" Yes, as a matter of fact, she does. What does he say? That the first nine days, Crystal and GC were a "posse," a "gang," and they were the reason Fang lost all those challenges.

Okay. You know I have no love for Randy. I think he's mean, bitter, has an ugly temper and his behavior often reminds me of a four-year-old who's not getting his way. But to hear him use words like "posse" and "gang" to describe the only two black players in the game…that's over the line into outright bigotry. What Crystal and GC may have had (and may not, it's hard to tell so early on) is called an "alliance." Which are sort of the whole point of Survivor. In my opinion, for Randy to use those racially coded words as his argument against one player — the only remaining black player, I might add — takes his behavior out of "acceptable within the game" to "unacceptable anywhere except maybe a school bus in Idaho."

He should be ashamed of himself.

The voice of reason in the aftermath? Charlie, who says, "You need to process what comes out of your mouth." That's Charliespeak for, "You need to shut the fuck up, Randy." When it's time to vote, Randy gets in another jab at Crystal, whispering,"Bitch" as he hold up his vote to show that he wrote "C.C." Sugar's a sniffly, teary mess as she goes to vote. I can't really imagine her getting that emotional over Crystal or Randy, so I have to say things aren't looking good for Charlie. Sure enough, although the first four votes are for Crystal, the remaining five go for Charlie, and he's out. Boy, that Onion Alliance is losing layers quick. I'm sure Charlie's bummed about missing out on the million, but hey, fourteen days sequestered with his straight boyfriend? Priceless! Remember, what happens in the Jury House stays in the Jury House!