Reviews @ PXDCO

When the season-long plot arc is resolved with twenty minutes still to go, you know this is a jam-packed season finale. There are no fewer than seven storylines going on, so let's get right to it.

Run, Sookie, Run!

Sookie bullies her way past a hapless guard to see Jason, who has reached a bit of a zen state about being incarcerated for murdering several women. He's already got a visitor, Rene, who is quite interested when Sookie starts babbling to Jason about being close to tracking down the real killer. The camera hilariously sharpens its focus on his "oh shit!" face, like we're watching a scene from a Passions episode or something. Rene tries to be nonchalant while asking some pointed questions both in his head and out loud, and he's saved from having to murder Sookie right in front of Jason when she says she has a name but doesn't know what the guy looks like.

Sam's surprised to see Sookie show up for her lunch shift but she needs to earn money for a private investigator to prove Jason is innocent. However, she's soon regretting her decision when she has to watch Andy brag and preen over arresting Jason and solving the murders. Plus, nearly everyone in Merlotte's is thinking about what freaks the Stackhouse siblings are. She begs Sam to let her have some time alone and he's reluctant because of the danger she's in, but he relents when she promises she'll stay in her car with the locks on. Unfortunately, she can't get her car to start, offering a perfect opportunity for Rene to come along and helpfully offer a ride home. Of course, the opportunity came about because he cut some cables in her engine. Sookie points out that she's not supposed to be alone and he oh-so-kindly says he'll stay with her until Sam gets off work. She cheerfully drives off with him, because Sookie can be really dumb when the plot requires it.

On the drive over to Sookie's house, she and Rene make small talk until Rene decides he needs to grill her about her telepathy. This doesn't ring any alarm bells in Sookie's head, and neither does her realization that Rene doesn't have an accent in his thoughts. They get to the house and Sookie heads into the kitchen to make some iced tea while Rene scopes out the house, particularly the shot gun resting against the fireplace. Sookie is startled when he suddenly pops up right beside her in the kitchen but before she has a literal lobotomy to keep from realizing his utter creepiness is because HE'S THE FUCKING KILLER, she gets flashes of him murdering Adele. She tries to bullshit her way over to the shotgun while he follows but he just laughs when she points it at him. She fires but nothing happens, because he's taken out the shells. Rediscovering her brains, she turns the shotgun around and knocks him upside the head with it, then runs out the door. Rene, his head bleeding, follows her through the woods and into the graveyard.

Meanwhile, Sookie's two suitors realize she's in trouble. Over at Merlotte's Lafayette tosses Rene's left behind vest to Sam, who catches a whiff of something and realizes it's the same scent he smelled while rolling around in Dawn's sheets. He runs outside and sees Terry, who says Sookie left with Rene. Sam takes off and arrives at Sookie's house to see the door open and a trail of blood leading into the woods. He sniffs a few times then starts running, stripping off his clothes as he goes. In his hideyhole, Bill is sleeping when Sookie's distress awakens him and he claws his way out. He immediately starts smoking and burning from the sunlight but he keeps going. So we've got Sookie running, Rene chasing, Sam sniffing, and Bill sizzling.

Also suddenly catching a clue? Poor Arlene, who discovers her kids watching Maudette being fucked and bitten. She's horrified and demands to know where the kids found the tape and they say it was in a box of Rene's stuff. Arlene starts going through it and finds more video tapes, plus a cassette for learning a Cajun accent. I love how ridiculous it is that Rene's brilliant idea for disguising himself was changing his accent, like growing a beard or, I don't know, moving really, really far away was just not possible. This stupid show.

Anyway, back to the woods. Run, run, run. Chase, chase, chase. Sniff, sniff, sniff. Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle. Sookie hides in an open grave but gets caught by the old "I'm pretending to go away" trick. As soon as she climbs out Rene grabs her and commences beating the shit out of her. Sam arrives and launches his doggy self at Rene, who easily backhands him to the ground. He kicks Sam the dog a few times, causing Sam to turn back into a naked dude. Rene's perplexed "Fuck?" makes me laugh until my sides ache but his homicidal urges are stronger than his confusion and he keeps kicking Sam into oblivion. Bill, looking and sounding like seriously overcooked bacon, staggers closer and once Sookie can feel his presence, she comes to and whacks Rene on the back of the head with a shovel. He throws her off and goes back to kicking Sam, so Sookie tries again and stabs down with the blade of the shovel. As she gasps for breath, the camera pans down and we see that Sookie's blow has just about divested Rene's head from his body.

The main danger having been taken care of, Sookie rushes over to the smoldering heap that is what's left of Bill and cries. Sam suggests getting him out of the sun and, COMPLETELY NAKED, Sam NAKEDLY picks up Bill and carries him IN A NAKED WAY over to the open grave. If Bill didn't look so revolting, my slash bells would be merrily ringing. Sam covers the Billbecue with dirt while Sookie sobs.

As night falls, Sookie comes to on her couch and beams at Tara, Lafayette and Sam, who are standing over her. She's drugged out of her gourd on pain meds and babbles about how pretty Tara looks and Sam saving her life because he's a dog, so of course nobody takes her seriously. She tries to focus and tells Sam that he's kind and brave and deserves to be loved and he's all, "Right back atcha," and Sookie and Sam make googly eyes at each other while Tara sits in the middle looking awkward and hurt.

Breaking the awkwardness, Arlene arrives with a huge bouquet of flowers and a bucket of tears. Everyone else leaves her alone with Sookie and she apologizes profusely for not knowing, and particularly for ordering Sookie out of her head, which probably caused Sookie to stay out of Rene's head as well. Sookie says Rene kept the murderous part of him separate, but Arlene still makes Sookie promise to mentally eavesdrop on every guy Arlene dates from now on. Arlene asks about Bill and Sookie starts crying again, saying she doesn't think he'll recover.

Later, after everyone has left, Sookie's doorbell rings. It's Bill, looking fresh as an undead daisy. "You're alive," Sookie gasps in wonder and Bill, adorable dumbass that he is, corrects her that he's healed but still technically dead. Hee. Oh Bill, I think I'll miss you most of all. They have a happy reunion and there's probably going to be some furniture-breaking sex later but, tragically, we don't get to see one last glimpse at Anna Paquin's perfect breasts this season. Seriously? You decide to show some restraint NOW, Alan Ball?

Does the Fellowship of the Sun Realize Jesus Was Technically Undead?

Jason's chillaxing in jail, deciding who will get all his stuff when he's sent away to prison. Like I said earlier, he's reached a zen state about killing the women and completely ignores Sookie's protestations that she's on the trail of the real killer. Later, a representative from the Fellowship of the Sun visits him and blows bigoted smoke up his ass about how he's practically a hero for killing girls who were traitors to the human race by being fangbangers. Jason is a mix of unconvinced and flattered and takes a copy of the Vamptower from his new friend, who promises financial and spiritual support from the FOTS.

After the whole run-chase-sniff-sizzle mess, Bud orders a furious Andy to release Jason from jail, seeing as how Sookie decapitated the real killer. Jason immediately heads over to see Sookie and tells her that he's turned over a new leaf and he'll be a good brother to her from now on. Sookie is still too blissed out on pain meds to see that for the alarming statement it is and sends him on his merry way.

Two weeks later, Jason attends a FOTS service with his new friend and, because he's found a brand new drug, exchanges orgasm noises for "hallelujah"s and "praise Jesus"es. Like everything else Jason gets involved in, this cannot end well.

I Think I've Seen This Lifetime Movie Before

Tara wakes up in a luxurious bed in a luxurious room in a luxurious house. There's even a butler to serve her breakfast, which she shares with Maryann, the provider of all this luxury. Tara whines and moans about what a mess her life is and Maryann's advice is to let all that stuff from her past life go and embrace her new life as Maryann's newest little pet. Sure, it's all fun and games until she stops lining up the towels precisely and then Maryann turns her into a pig.

Tara decides to ignore her usual suspicious nature and she frolics in Maryann's pool, eats Maryann's fruit, and even flirts with Maryann's other houseguest, Eggs (real name: Benedict). "Is collecting stray black people one of Maryann's hobbies?" Tara wonders. Maybe, maybe not, but sitting in her backyard and blurring dizzily like the world's first human vibrator while staring menacingly at a pig does seem to be one of her hobbies.

After Tara visits with Sookie and has to sit there while Sam and Sookie declare how lovable the other is, she breaks up with him, telling him they both deserve better. Sam's stunned, because like a typical Nice Guy he thinks it's his right to pine after the one he loves while getting laid regularly by her best friend. He's even more stunned with Maryann arrives to pick up Tara, who introduces them, not knowing they are already acquainted. After Tara gets in the car Sam deserves to know why Maryann is there and what she's up to, but she just tells "Dog" to mind his own beeswax.

Two weeks later, Tara and Sam still seem to be broken up. It doesn't help matters that Sam orders Tara to stop quoting Maryann's advice at him.

They're Seriously Going to Kill the One Actually Gay Character On This Show?

Lafayette heads back to work after visiting with Sookie post-decapitation. He's taking out the trash when something rushes at him from the trees. We don't get to see what happened to him but we do learn that he's been missing for two weeks, when Sam asks Tara why her cousin has missed work for so long. She's not concerned, since disappearing like this seems to be a regular thing for Lafayette.

Later, Sookie and Tara follow a drunk and bitter Andy to his car, trying to get his keys. He can't find his car at first because it's been moved, although Sookie and Tara giggle, thinking he just forgot where he left it. The trio walk over to the car and it gets less amusing when the back door is partly open. Andy opens it the whole way and a foot, specifically a black, male foot with painted toenails, falls out. At least the foot is still attached to a body. That's not always a given on this show. "That's not mine!" Andy protests hilariously while the girls shriek loudly enough to shatter the windows in Merlotte's.

And All The Rest

Bill comes home and finds Jessica waiting for him. Eric and Pam are there to drop her off because she's working their last nerves. They leave with much relief while Bill wonders how much an undead teen daughter is going to put a cramp in his style and Jessica wonders who's good to eat.

Vampire-human marriage is legalized in Vermont and everyone at Merlotte's teases Sookie about planning her wedding to Bill. Everyone, that is, but Sam, who is wearing extra scratchy bitter pants these days now that Sookie's happy with Bill and Tara dumped him for a woman he obviously can't stand.

Terry endearingly tells Arlene that her hair looks like "a sunset after a bomb" then slinks off after an awkward silence. Arlene is still grieving over Rene but she's a woman who bounces back quickly and she lets herself have a small smile as she twirls her hair.

And that's it for season one, and for me. Thanks for reading my and Ran's recaps this season. I can't speak for her but I know I will not be back for season two next summer, so y'all be good to whoever takes over.

When the season-long plot arc is resolved with twenty minutes still to go, you know this is a jam-packed season finale. There are no fewer than seven storylines going on, so let's get right to it.

Run, Sookie, Run!

Sookie bullies her way past a hapless guard to see Jason, who has reached a bit of a zen state about being incarcerated for murdering several women. He's already got a visitor, Rene, who is quite interested when Sookie starts babbling to Jason about being close to tracking down the real killer. The camera hilariously sharpens its focus on his "oh shit!" face, like we're watching a scene from a Passions episode or something. Rene tries to be nonchalant while asking some pointed questions both in his head and out loud, and he's saved from having to murder Sookie right in front of Jason when she says she has a name but doesn't know what the guy looks like.

Sam's surprised to see Sookie show up for her lunch shift but she needs to earn money for a private investigator to prove Jason is innocent. However, she's soon regretting her decision when she has to watch Andy brag and preen over arresting Jason and solving the murders. Plus, nearly everyone in Merlotte's is thinking about what freaks the Stackhouse siblings are. She begs Sam to let her have some time alone and he's reluctant because of the danger she's in, but he relents when she promises she'll stay in her car with the locks on. Unfortunately, she can't get her car to start, offering a perfect opportunity for Rene to come along and helpfully offer a ride home. Of course, the opportunity came about because he cut some cables in her engine. Sookie points out that she's not supposed to be alone and he oh-so-kindly says he'll stay with her until Sam gets off work. She cheerfully drives off with him, because Sookie can be really dumb when the plot requires it.

On the drive over to Sookie's house, she and Rene make small talk until Rene decides he needs to grill her about her telepathy. This doesn't ring any alarm bells in Sookie's head, and neither does her realization that Rene doesn't have an accent in his thoughts. They get to the house and Sookie heads into the kitchen to make some iced tea while Rene scopes out the house, particularly the shot gun resting against the fireplace. Sookie is startled when he suddenly pops up right beside her in the kitchen but before she has a literal lobotomy to keep from realizing his utter creepiness is because HE'S THE FUCKING KILLER, she gets flashes of him murdering Adele. She tries to bullshit her way over to the shotgun while he follows but he just laughs when she points it at him. She fires but nothing happens, because he's taken out the shells. Rediscovering her brains, she turns the shotgun around and knocks him upside the head with it, then runs out the door. Rene, his head bleeding, follows her through the woods and into the graveyard.

Meanwhile, Sookie's two suitors realize she's in trouble. Over at Merlotte's Lafayette tosses Rene's left behind vest to Sam, who catches a whiff of something and realizes it's the same scent he smelled while rolling around in Dawn's sheets. He runs outside and sees Terry, who says Sookie left with Rene. Sam takes off and arrives at Sookie's house to see the door open and a trail of blood leading into the woods. He sniffs a few times then starts running, stripping off his clothes as he goes. In his hideyhole, Bill is sleeping when Sookie's distress awakens him and he claws his way out. He immediately starts smoking and burning from the sunlight but he keeps going. So we've got Sookie running, Rene chasing, Sam sniffing, and Bill sizzling.

Also suddenly catching a clue? Poor Arlene, who discovers her kids watching Maudette being fucked and bitten. She's horrified and demands to know where the kids found the tape and they say it was in a box of Rene's stuff. Arlene starts going through it and finds more video tapes, plus a cassette for learning a Cajun accent. I love how ridiculous it is that Rene's brilliant idea for disguising himself was changing his accent, like growing a beard or, I don't know, moving really, really far away was just not possible. This stupid show.

Anyway, back to the woods. Run, run, run. Chase, chase, chase. Sniff, sniff, sniff. Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle. Sookie hides in an open grave but gets caught by the old "I'm pretending to go away" trick. As soon as she climbs out Rene grabs her and commences beating the shit out of her. Sam arrives and launches his doggy self at Rene, who easily backhands him to the ground. He kicks Sam the dog a few times, causing Sam to turn back into a naked dude. Rene's perplexed "Fuck?" makes me laugh until my sides ache but his homicidal urges are stronger than his confusion and he keeps kicking Sam into oblivion. Bill, looking and sounding like seriously overcooked bacon, staggers closer and once Sookie can feel his presence, she comes to and whacks Rene on the back of the head with a shovel. He throws her off and goes back to kicking Sam, so Sookie tries again and stabs down with the blade of the shovel. As she gasps for breath, the camera pans down and we see that Sookie's blow has just about divested Rene's head from his body.

The main danger having been taken care of, Sookie rushes over to the smoldering heap that is what's left of Bill and cries. Sam suggests getting him out of the sun and, COMPLETELY NAKED, Sam NAKEDLY picks up Bill and carries him IN A NAKED WAY over to the open grave. If Bill didn't look so revolting, my slash bells would be merrily ringing. Sam covers the Billbecue with dirt while Sookie sobs.

As night falls, Sookie comes to on her couch and beams at Tara, Lafayette and Sam, who are standing over her. She's drugged out of her gourd on pain meds and babbles about how pretty Tara looks and Sam saving her life because he's a dog, so of course nobody takes her seriously. She tries to focus and tells Sam that he's kind and brave and deserves to be loved and he's all, "Right back atcha," and Sookie and Sam make googly eyes at each other while Tara sits in the middle looking awkward and hurt.

Breaking the awkwardness, Arlene arrives with a huge bouquet of flowers and a bucket of tears. Everyone else leaves her alone with Sookie and she apologizes profusely for not knowing, and particularly for ordering Sookie out of her head, which probably caused Sookie to stay out of Rene's head as well. Sookie says Rene kept the murderous part of him separate, but Arlene still makes Sookie promise to mentally eavesdrop on every guy Arlene dates from now on. Arlene asks about Bill and Sookie starts crying again, saying she doesn't think he'll recover.

Later, after everyone has left, Sookie's doorbell rings. It's Bill, looking fresh as an undead daisy. "You're alive," Sookie gasps in wonder and Bill, adorable dumbass that he is, corrects her that he's healed but still technically dead. Hee. Oh Bill, I think I'll miss you most of all. They have a happy reunion and there's probably going to be some furniture-breaking sex later but, tragically, we don't get to see one last glimpse at Anna Paquin's perfect breasts this season. Seriously? You decide to show some restraint NOW, Alan Ball?

Does the Fellowship of the Sun Realize Jesus Was Technically Undead?

Jason's chillaxing in jail, deciding who will get all his stuff when he's sent away to prison. Like I said earlier, he's reached a zen state about killing the women and completely ignores Sookie's protestations that she's on the trail of the real killer. Later, a representative from the Fellowship of the Sun visits him and blows bigoted smoke up his ass about how he's practically a hero for killing girls who were traitors to the human race by being fangbangers. Jason is a mix of unconvinced and flattered and takes a copy of the Vamptower from his new friend, who promises financial and spiritual support from the FOTS.

After the whole run-chase-sniff-sizzle mess, Bud orders a furious Andy to release Jason from jail, seeing as how Sookie decapitated the real killer. Jason immediately heads over to see Sookie and tells her that he's turned over a new leaf and he'll be a good brother to her from now on. Sookie is still too blissed out on pain meds to see that for the alarming statement it is and sends him on his merry way.

Two weeks later, Jason attends a FOTS service with his new friend and, because he's found a brand new drug, exchanges orgasm noises for "hallelujah"s and "praise Jesus"es. Like everything else Jason gets involved in, this cannot end well.

I Think I've Seen This Lifetime Movie Before

Tara wakes up in a luxurious bed in a luxurious room in a luxurious house. There's even a butler to serve her breakfast, which she shares with Maryann, the provider of all this luxury. Tara whines and moans about what a mess her life is and Maryann's advice is to let all that stuff from her past life go and embrace her new life as Maryann's newest little pet. Sure, it's all fun and games until she stops lining up the towels precisely and then Maryann turns her into a pig.

Tara decides to ignore her usual suspicious nature and she frolics in Maryann's pool, eats Maryann's fruit, and even flirts with Maryann's other houseguest, Eggs (real name: Benedict). "Is collecting stray black people one of Maryann's hobbies?" Tara wonders. Maybe, maybe not, but sitting in her backyard and blurring dizzily like the world's first human vibrator while staring menacingly at a pig does seem to be one of her hobbies.

After Tara visits with Sookie and has to sit there while Sam and Sookie declare how lovable the other is, she breaks up with him, telling him they both deserve better. Sam's stunned, because like a typical Nice Guy he thinks it's his right to pine after the one he loves while getting laid regularly by her best friend. He's even more stunned with Maryann arrives to pick up Tara, who introduces them, not knowing they are already acquainted. After Tara gets in the car Sam deserves to know why Maryann is there and what she's up to, but she just tells "Dog" to mind his own beeswax.

Two weeks later, Tara and Sam still seem to be broken up. It doesn't help matters that Sam orders Tara to stop quoting Maryann's advice at him.

They're Seriously Going to Kill the One Actually Gay Character On This Show?

Lafayette heads back to work after visiting with Sookie post-decapitation. He's taking out the trash when something rushes at him from the trees. We don't get to see what happened to him but we do learn that he's been missing for two weeks, when Sam asks Tara why her cousin has missed work for so long. She's not concerned, since disappearing like this seems to be a regular thing for Lafayette.

Later, Sookie and Tara follow a drunk and bitter Andy to his car, trying to get his keys. He can't find his car at first because it's been moved, although Sookie and Tara giggle, thinking he just forgot where he left it. The trio walk over to the car and it gets less amusing when the back door is partly open. Andy opens it the whole way and a foot, specifically a black, male foot with painted toenails, falls out. At least the foot is still attached to a body. That's not always a given on this show. "That's not mine!" Andy protests hilariously while the girls shriek loudly enough to shatter the windows in Merlotte's.

And All The Rest

Bill comes home and finds Jessica waiting for him. Eric and Pam are there to drop her off because she's working their last nerves. They leave with much relief while Bill wonders how much an undead teen daughter is going to put a cramp in his style and Jessica wonders who's good to eat.

Vampire-human marriage is legalized in Vermont and everyone at Merlotte's teases Sookie about planning her wedding to Bill. Everyone, that is, but Sam, who is wearing extra scratchy bitter pants these days now that Sookie's happy with Bill and Tara dumped him for a woman he obviously can't stand.

Terry endearingly tells Arlene that her hair looks like "a sunset after a bomb" then slinks off after an awkward silence. Arlene is still grieving over Rene but she's a woman who bounces back quickly and she lets herself have a small smile as she twirls her hair.

And that's it for season one, and for me. Thanks for reading my and Ran's recaps this season. I can't speak for her but I know I will not be back for season two next summer, so y'all be good to whoever takes over.